When Old Dogs Die
September 17’08
I've always thought that Emily would outlive me,
for some reasons best ignored,but I must admit that my 9-year-old Heroic RottweillerXWolf/Shepard, is declining to bone cancer in her shoulder,
and lyme induced osteoarthritis in her hips. As usual, Dear Em is keeping me active providing Hospice.
She's being more macho than stoic, dontcha know, and plays her condition to the hilt, but I've noticed that she only cries or whimpers when she wants me to help her up, She seems exhausted but still has strength enough to hop with just a balancing lift on the sling. She's responding happily to palliative herbs and laughter, as we reminisce about our past together, before she goes. Shedding many tears that I'm learning to let go of more easily.Sobbing on the Web? Well, so what! She probably won't die today.
September 29’08
Emily has declined further since I wrote the above, and neither of us is so happily responding to the herbs. I just wish it were me losing the weight.
September 30'08
Got up this morning to tend to Em, and when I was washing her incontinent bottom, found maggots already feeding there. Came back in to wash my hands, and paced around in a daze, praying for strength to face the day, when out of the blue came an idea on how to release her...a plastic bag over her head, with a slip chain collar tight enough to close off air and control her. “Oh Kali!!!” I said out loud, “give me the guts to do this!” and She did!!! It was like I was in a trance, collecting the trash bag and collar, moving the lawn chair next to Emily who was laying under the Rosemary bush, singing Scheherazhad's Lullaby…"Sleep Donyazhad, sleep...close your eyes to what makes you weep. Early next morning, I'll tell you a story, if you like it is yours to keep." while I slipped the bag and collar over her head, and closed it snug. She took 5 or 6 breaths, blowing hard, while I chanted: go to sleep go to sleep go to sleep, until she threw her head up for one last gasp, said something to me in her singing voice, NOT her crying voice, and then went limp. I held her head up with the chain for 10 minutes, singing,
" Where are you going, my little one, my little one? Where are you going my own sweet one? Turn around and you're tiny, turn around and you've grown, Turn around and you are young again, with babes of your own." over and over. Took the bag and collar off, and imagined that she'd sung, "Release me, and never let me go." I DID IT!!! and I am proud that I could fulfill my duty to her. Not sobbing now, just a little weeping.
EMILY REDWOOD 8/4/99-9/30/08
Emily was being called back to the Womb
to serve the Goddess Kali,
but she didn't want to leave me,
so I had to take her last breath away,
and hold her till her loyal heart stopped.
She used her last bit of energy to raise her
head to me and say goodbye in her singing voice,
NOT the crying one.
Blessed Be. I've earned my Goddess name, finally.Thanx Em!!!
Saturday, December 27, 2008
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